Posts Tagged 'excercise'


At times, I fall into the trap of punishing myself for not doing things with inertia. By inertia I mean I limit my interactions with the outside world. I limit the things I am allowed to do for myself. Until I finish the task at hand. I often don’t notice I’m doing this until I am completely stuck, and my life has lost so much of its velocity, it takes an incredible amount of energy to get it up and running again.

At the moment, I am in a phase of getting my life up to speed again. The last few months, I’ve been slowing my life down to the point of me sitting in my house and writing my thesis, and pretty much only coming out to go to work or to get groceries. It got to the point of ridiculousness. If I couldn’t write, I damn well couldn’t do anything else. How insane is that?

And I know it’s stupid, because once I realise it has happened again, I’ll try to hide it from the people closest to me, because I don’t want them to think of me as a pathetic little git. I can only start talking about it with them when I know I’ve started to move in the right direction again.  

Reaching out for help has always been something that’s incredibly difficult for me. At school, asking questions meant I had failed. At home, my dad would either get angry for questioning a set rule, or overly anxious and more upset with the problem than even I was, because I was in pain and that was just the worst thing in the world for him. To this day, I hardly tell my dad anything about any problems I have, because it inevitably makes the problem worse. My mom fluctuates between analyzing the problem and getting impatient, the ‘just get over it’ approach. Which sometimes helps, but often just makes me angry. As for asking friends for help, for me that has always felt like burdening them with my issues.

I know that when a friend of mine has a problem, the only thing I would want is to know about it so I can help, but I measure myself by another standard. See, when I am in my inert phase, my problems are just not worthy of help. Worse, actually, I am not worthy of help. I think I fear abandonment the most, which really isn’t giving nearly enough credit to my dearest friends.

But I’m on the upswing again, so I’m filling up my social calendar. I planned a trip to Spain in April with a few friends, arranged to start up with vocal lessons again, made arrangements for friends from abroad to come visit, I’m helping a good friend move house, I’m visiting my gran, I’m planning evenings out with people, I’m hanging out with my brother and sister. I’d like to get more sports activities in other than cycling, but I managed to hurt my back somehow last week, and now an old injury seems to be playing up again, so my range of motion is a little restricted. Just when I get the feeling I really want  to do something….


May 2018
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