Dancing away the insecurities

I’m going out dancing tonight with a bunch of people I don’t know. I was invited by my Brazilian temporary roommate, and though I’m really looking forward to a night of dancing, I’m kind of nervous about going with people I don’t know. Part is just my shiness in new groups, but another part is the “OMG, I’M FAT” factor, as I know all of the group to be on the skinny to “average” end of the spectrum.

I know there’s no reason to think I won’t be welcomed into this group, and even if I’m not, I’ll just be dancing. But I have had quite a tough week visiting my relatives abroad, and specifically with my dad being angry at me for refusing to try and lose weight. I have explained to him how I try to eat intuitively, and if I lose weight, fine, if not, fine too. But he essentially demanded I start dieting, and we argued and fought about just about every little other thing too. I know this is his problem, but being yelled at for three days is hardly good for your body image and self confidence.

So I nearly wigged out of going dancing this evening. But you know what? I feel like dancing! I feel like moving, and the fact that it’s a barefoot club makes it even better! So I’m going to have fun, dammit, and go dancing anyway.

Happy Easter Everyone!

Easter this year is supposed to make up for last Christmas. My brother was sick then, and we couldn’t get the whole family together, because my aunt and uncle were hosting the dinner, and they had the in-laws over from England as well. So we’re hoping to get the whole clan together today. The problem is though, that the weather is atrocious with snow and icy rain and gales predicted, so the family gathering might not happen yet again.

But in case it does happen, I’ve made banana bread and scones… Yum! So I decided to give you my recipe. I use metric, so you may need to convert into imperial, and I’m too lazy this morning to do it.

Banana Bread (please note there’s no added sugar in this recipe… it doesn’t need it)

• 200g self-raising flour
• 125g butter or margarine
• 4 eggs
• pinch of salt
• 4 bespeckled bananas that have been frozen and defrosted (just stick bananas in the freezer when they start going off, then when you have a few, defrost them, see how they’ve gone black and almost liquid, and bake)
• 3 heaped tbsp quick-cooking oatmeal
• 1 heaped tbsp crushed flax seed
• 1 heaped tbsp (wheat)bran
• 75-100g chocolate chips or chopped dark chocolate
• handful of chopped or sliced almonds
• handful of chopped pecans

Heat oven to 160C. Grease and dust a 10x30cm approx. loaf pan.While oven is heating, mix dry ingredients in a bowl and wet ingredients in another. You can use a mixer to quickly beat the eggs, bananas and butter together to a smooth mix. Then stir the wet ingredients into the dry ones, pour into loaf pan and stick in the oven for 45 mins to 1 hour. Check whether the loaf is done by sticking a toothpick in. If it comes out clean (or just with melted chocolate on it), take it out and leave to cool. Enjoy!

Scones

• 225g self-raising flour
• 50g butter
• 25g sugar
• 1 egg
• pinch of salt
• some milk (you add a little as you go)
• 50g raisins or dried fruit (optional)

Heat oven to 220C. Beat the egg in a cup with a splash of milk. In a bowl, mix flour, salt and sugar. Rub in butter until you have a dry flaky texture. Add the milk and egg mix, and fold it in a little. Add raisins and knead dough to a ball. The ball should be a little sticky. If it’s not, add a splash of milk, and knead some more.

Dust a flat surface with flour, and carefully roll out the ball of dough until you have a sheet around 2cm thick. Punch  out circles of about 5-7 cm in diameter (use a cup or glass) and reshape for maximum yield (I get 6 scones out of this). Dab a little milk on the top of each scone and put them on a cookie tray. They go in the oven for 10-15 minutes, until the top goes a nice golden colour. Leave to cool a little and enjoy with some butter, clotted cream and/or jam!

The Shape of my Heart, uh, Body

Just the other day, I was looking at myself in the mirror. I was in a store, trying on jeans (they fit, btw), and for the first time ever, I could see why I don’t have a really defined waist, and why most jeans aren’t comfortable, even when they “fit”: The distance between my ribcage and my pelvis is really small, only about 5cm at my sides.

 I knew I had big lungs since I was twelve, and we had an experiment in biology class to measure lung capacity. Mine was more than 1.5x what was average for my height. I also already knew that my hipbones were bigger from when I took ballet classes as a kid. My hip bumps were at a completely different place than those of the other girls. But I never put two and two together.

So, most jeans that supposedly sit at your waist, and therefore get narrower on top, sit around my hips. Can you spell MUFFIN-TOP*? My realisation about my anatomical quirks also explains why normal shirts, and also, oftentimes, plus-sized shirts don’t fit right: because my chest is bigger, my breasts are set lower, so the space is in the wrong place in fitted shirts. I’ve tried hoisting the boobs up higher, but if anything looks ridiculous, it’s breasts with a fold above them instead of below (yeah, that’s what my boobs do). Really. Weird.

For some strange reason, I had never realised that my anatomical composition could have anything to do with the way clothes tit fit me. Wow.

So today, I stood in front of the mirror at home in my underwear, and actually looked at the shape my body has underneath my clothes. My breasts are big and soft, and sit at the middle of my chest. My arms are long. I have a flabby bit near my armpit. My armpit is not hollow. I have a belly. My hips are slightly curved. My bottom is quite flat. My thighs are big and muscular. They almost stick out more than my ass at the back. My calves are really defined, but not small.

It’s my body, and I love it.

*Don’t get me started on ‘hipsters’. They don’t even go past my hip joint. Ouch.